With the morning sun caressing my face, I prepared to read the section of verses for my quiet time in the Word.
What I read stilled and pierced my heart…
“In one of the villages, Jesus met a man with an advanced case of leprosy. When the man saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground, begging to be healed. “Lord,” he said, “if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.”
Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” And instantly the leprosy disappeared. (Luke 5:12-13)
I have read that verse multiple times over the years, but right that moment… it touched something deep in my heart.
A deeply buried desire. A desire that I don’t want to have or feel anymore…
The desire to be healed.
I tried, again, to bury that hope & desire to be healed as deep as I could, but I could feel the Lord digging down in there… reaching and pulling aside the dirt, rock and cement that I painfully & deliberately used to bury, over the years… that desire.
Looking out to the mountains and seeing the golden glow of the rising sun… a whisper escaped from my lips, “Lord, if you are willing, you can heal me and make me hear. Today. Right now.”
For so many years, since I was a child, people have come to me and asking to pray for healing for me. They would put their hands on my ears and pray with all they had. In the beginning, I was grateful…
But as the years went on by and still no healing… I grew to resent the prayers.
While on the outside, I would smile and say, “Sure!” when someone innocently asked if they could pray for me. But on the inside, over the pounding of my heart, I would be yelling, “No! I am fine just the way I am! Leave me alone!”
As I grew up over the years, I buried that hope & desire to be healed as deep as I could…
Because I was afraid.
Afraid to let my hope rise.
Afraid to feel the crushing disappointment.
Afraid that I would be denied once again.
Afraid that I would be told that I don’t have enough faith to be healed.
For years I used to silently ask… demand… beg the Lord to heal me, but I stopped doing that a long while ago.
It wasn’t until I served at a deaf school in Mexico that I started to “accept” being deaf.
That is where the prayers stopped. I still had my struggles, but at least I had more peace about being a deaf woman.
Sitting there and listening to my thoughts rolling around, I sense the Lord speaking to my heart, turning the verse around and saying…
“Marillyn, if you are willing, you can embrace being deaf and make Me greater in your life for others to see Me.”
Really, Lord? My being deaf will make You greater? What about healing me? Won’t that make You even more greater?
“Yes, but for only a short time and people will forget. Even you will forget, but your deafness is my gift to you. For I am greater in your weakness! Your inability to hear is what drives you closer to Me. That’s why I created you to be who you are”
I sat there… speechless, a calm settling my thoughts.
“My daughter, you are a miracle to many because I have given you many gifts, abilities and talents. You can speak. You can read lips. You are able to wear a hearing aid. You have been able to do many different things that doctors claimed you couldn’t and shouldn’t do! Those are the things that bring glory to me.”
I could sense a a different kind of healing happening at that moment…
“I promise you, Marillyn, you will be healed. Be patience. Be steadfast. Be courageous. And most importantly…
Linda carter,mom says
my son’s autism…if I become willing,God will heal me? What a soul changing way for me to start living,,,,wow,Marilyn….Jesus, I am willing for Ben to have autism if it will make You bigger….I am so moved comforted and I can feel the chains of constant begging for God to heal my child loosening. I am 51 and have never commented on the computer until now……you have started a healing in my heart that doctors,meds and talking couldn’t do….I lift up my heart to Jesus,willing for my son to have autism and willing to relax and be his loving mama….I may never be the same…and to think I wanted a recipe for what to do with all the school lunch oranges Ben refuses to eat…truly, Marilyn, I stayed on your site longer as you are deaf and I was waiting to see if you understood what most can not….you do. I send you love. Linda
Marillyn Beard says
Hello Linda! I am so thankful that God brought you to this post. He is awesome! Yes, he will heal… here on earth or in heaven! May He continue to strengthen you as you daily surrender your son to Him. Love your son and be willing to accept that God has a plan to use him and you to bring Him glory! Hugs to you.
I just came across your blog today in my search for homemade breakfast cereal of all things. I found your story compelling enough to look at other things on your blog, and then came across this and it reduced me to tears. I have been reading all the things you do (you sound like you have an inexhaustible supply of energy!) and feeling so envious – so much so I totally forgot you are deaf! And who wouldn’t have a deep, desperate desire for healing from deafness! It is a reminder to me that sometimes God’s healing comes in acceptance and peace in the soul instead of physical healing. I have suffered from chronic daily migraine for 7 1/2 years, and in the last 2 years or so, chronic fatigue and depression (as well as IBS since I was 18) to the point that I have been unable to work for 8 months. I have always believed that God will heal me once I have learned whatever it is He is teaching me, but in the meantime, I am going to try to apply what God showed you to my own illness.
BTW, do you still soak your grains, and do you soak all of your grains, or just oats?
Marillyn Beard says
Thank you for sharing your heart with me. As a mama of now 5 kids… my energy is not as inexhaustible like it once was 🙂 I am learning to slow down and be okay with not doing all that I enjoy doing. I am so glad my sharing this encouraged you. Reading about your health issues makes my deafness seem like nothing because I do not struggle with pain like you do. Let me pray for you, my sister…
Lord, thank you for Jodi and for bringing her here to read this very post. Thank you for speaking to her. She is loved and cherished by You. Strengthen her, Lord, as she moves forward in this life with her pain and health issues. You have promised that you will never leave or forsake her. That she can do all things through You who gives her strength for each moment and hour of each day. Lord, thank you for who You are and who we are because of You. You know her heart’s desire to be healed of her migraines, chronic fatigue, depression and IBS. Help her to trust in Your perfect plan for her life. We don’t understand why we are called to carry the burden of our pains, but thank you Lord that you are faithful to give us the strength and courage to live each day fully and joyfully. Amen.
Blessings, Jodi. May the Lord shine His face upon you!
PS- yes, i soak all my grains 🙂
Just found your blog. This question of healing often comes up. It sounds like Spiritual healing is the most important over physical healing on this earth. You seem to be a beautiful child of God. He covers you under His wings, and is the Lover of your soul. Stayed up on Our Lord Jesus Christ, hearts are perfect blessed finding as He promised perfect peace and rest.
Thank you for your blog. A believer in the pure unadulterated Bible.
Marillyn Beard says
Thank you Mary <3